The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart. ~Helen Keller

It's so hard to believe that an entire year has gone by already. I'm still very much in a daze and in denial that Mom is no longer with us. It's like my senses have been dulled or I'm underwater, slow motion, dream like, stuck in mud. Where has this last year gone? The winter was harsh and still hasn't entirely released its grip on us, as though the seasons are also still in mourning just as I am.

I wear her ashes in a heart shaped locket around my neck. Buried some at the base of the pine tree we planted at my aunt's house some 24 years ago. Look at the pictures and remember the many laughs we had.

Many people have asked how they can help and my answer is still, I don't know. I don't know because I don't know what actually WOULD help in dealing with grief, other than time. There are ways you may help others with cancer by volunteering your time with The American Cancer Society - Get Involved, or with local hospitals. Do a walk/run with friends for a program that donates directly to specific cancer programs such as Susan G Komen Race For The Cure. Or simply pay it forward in honor of a lovely little girl who lost her battle shortly before my mother did, with Addison's Random Acts of Kindness.

Some things that don't help?

• Save the TaTas nonsense. A woman is more than just a pair of tits. Stop it. Save the WOMEN and stop acting as though a pair of mams are what make a woman feminine or womanly. 
• #NoMakeUpSelfies without the more important second half which was DONATING TO CANCER RESEARCH. A random photo you filter on instagram is not going to fight cancer. Women should not be ashamed of looking "tired" or not all made up. Also, most of those nomakeupselfies the people were still wearing makeup? Which, why? Just don't. Don't make this very serious, not vain, not cutesy disease about YOU and just donate quietly without the need for the pat on the back. 
• Buying pink stuff because pink = breast cancer! I can easily say most of us could live without a pink plastic water bottle. Again, just donate to a good cause and leave the stuff out of it. Not only does it cost money to make those items, in turn taking away from the amount the charity actually gets to utilize, it will end up on a shelf collecting dust. 

I miss my mother every single day. A part of me is irretrievably broken. A sense of security that was always innate is now gone. Please, do what you can to minimize your own risk. Curb the smoking, drink in moderation, do your self checks and get your annual check ups regularly. XoXo

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old. -George Burns

Today would be mom's 55th birthday. Last year we celebrated her birthday in the hospital, her nurses sang to her and brought her cake. It was bittersweet because we knew how much she was struggling just to breath every day.

This year I can only imagine how hard she's partying, wherever her energy may be.

Happy birthday mama, I miss and love you dearly.

The truth is marriage can lead to some startling revelations.—Bill Bennett, author

My fiance and I went wedding dress shopping this week. This was going to be a rough day because it is supposed to be a day spent with moms and sisters and friends. Instead, Ian and I went alone. I mean, I had mom with me in spirit of course, but physically it was just us.

My mother was so very excited for us to get married and I know she would want to have gone with her only daughter to look at pretty gowns for our special day. Here is the moment she found out we were engaged:

(I apologize for the poor quality, all I can find is the FB link right now)

It wasn't as overwhelming as I thought. I think that is in part because Ian didn't make it into a huge deal and he was of course overly gushy about how pretty I am (fellas, take note!) I wore mom's ashes in the locket I picked out and I leaned toward pink gowns because she and I were not one for tradition, pink is cool, and clearly at 35 a virginal white gown is a joke. Whatevz. 

I haven't made a final choice yet but I am keeping in mind that she would want me to wear something I feel great in not something others would expect me to wear. She was always a confident person and I know that rubbed off on me in many ways. So, if I want to wear a pink dress with sequin flowers and a crazy tiara, I will. Or if I decide to go the traditional white dress route, then so be it. Because it's a day of celebration for everyone, including Mom, wherever she may be. 

PS: she and I also always had a smirk and awkward posture when someone else took our picture: 

Westminster Dog Show

If anyone would be interested in going to the Westminster Dog Show for the Best in Show judging on Tuesday, February 11th at 7:30 PM at Madison Square Garden, tickets are $71 each.

High priced, watered down beer, plus dudes fighting, plus pizza and funnel cake equals...

OK, so a Philadelphia Flyers game was not on the list of places my mom would have wanted to visit. However, once I was there, I realized she would have LOVED it. Seriously. A bunch of drunk fans screaming at the Canadiens and a fist fight on ice? Right up her alley. 

Ian got us ice side tickets for the Flyers v Montreal Canadiens on January 8, 2014. The seats were sick, we had a great view of the entire game. 

I am not a sports person. I don't care about your home team's foosball homerun derby. I don't get it. Never have. Mom was a huge Yankees fan and when I lived in Boston I would often receive taunting texts from her about how "we" beat "you" guys! What? The royal we? Why would you turn to violence? Keep in mind I was in Boston when they won the World Series after 37 decades of losing. Riots. The people rioted because they WON. A neighbor's car was overturned and set one fire. Beantown, why you do? 

So yeah, I don't really get the whole sportsfan thing. After the hockey game though, I could kinda understand! Watching the game up close and personal was REALLY fun. I don't understand the physics behind how they skate like they do. One second they are skating forward and then they turn around but are still going in the same direction, only facing backwards. What? Magnets, how do they work??? Also, how the hell do they keep an eye on the puck? It moves so damn fast and is pretty dang small. The sound it makes when it hits the plexiglass though, made me very thankful those things were strong. Fuck, imagine getting a puck to the face? I guess missing a front tooth IS the ultimate hockey accessory though, huh?

Everyone in the stadium was STOKED to be there. There was 1 Habs fan in our section. She had balls to wear that jersey in Philly, luckily everyone was pretty polite and refrained from throwing anything at her and just booed instead. Also, Habs? You're the Montreal Canadiens. Where does Habs come from? I know I can google that, I don't actually care to. 

The energy in the place was infectious. I found myself screaming in unity when 2 guys started fighting. I yelled HE THREW HIS GLOVES OFF with glee! OMG who am I??? It was awesome that the refs just let them fight it out! YES. I knew hockey had fights and stuff but I never realized the refs just watched and also enjoyed the fight with the rest of the screaming maniacs standing around like rabid wolves. 

The food wasn't too bad either. We hadn't eaten anything so I went to grab some snacks. Ian said the hoagies looked good but sorry bro, $10.50 for a fucking hoagie? GTFO. I decided on $5.50 hot nuts and funnel cake. Yeah, I said it, hot nuts. Hands up to those of you who think I managed to eat the entire funnel cake without making a mess. Haha, WRONG. I spilled it all over the nice, black, wool pea coat of the gentleman sitting in front of me. Ian looked at me like I was a fucking animal. You can't take me anywhere, for real. Oh, and $12 for a Bud light? I wasn't planning on drinking but that sealed it. $5.50 for a Coke though. Fucking shit. 

Anyway, we had so much fun. I know mom would have had a great time too. It was something she would have thoroughly enjoyed and I am glad I went even though it wasn't necessarily something I would normally think to do. Maybe 2014 can be the year of getting out of my comfort zone. Also, doing so to honor Mom just makes it even sweeter. 

We weren't the only weird beards taking selfies.

Ian's friends were also there. They are big fans.

Momma was a rollin' stone...

Over the holidays I had plenty of time to think about all the things I wished my mom and I could have done together if we had more time before her passing. Mom was always up for an adventure, nothing was impossible. She loved the beach, adored little mom and pop shops, and would eat her way around the world if given the chance! (And a Visa card paid by someone else =P)

So, with that in mind I figured, why not go to the places she dreamed about and take her with me. In spirit, of course, and her ashes as well.

Certain places will be easy, such as Carlo's bakery in Hoboken for a cannoli. Others will take a lot of planning and money saving - IE the Eiffel Tower. But it is a way to stay in touch with her even though she's left the physical world and enjoy some wonderful places I know she would have loved.

This list will certainly grow and change many a time:

• Carlo's Bakery, Hoboken for a cannoli 
• Disneyworld for a photo with Mickey and mouse ears
• Atlantic City for a little gambling 
• Bermuda for the pink sands 
• The Eiffel Tower to look over the city
• A New York Yankees game @ Yankee stadium (Preferably against the Phillies)
• Anywhere Anthony Bourdain ate
• Davis Island, FL to stand in awe at Derek Jeter's tacky ass mansion 
• A reading from Theresa Caputo 
• Hanging out with the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan
• Wearing a crazy hat at the Kentucky Derby
• Visit Wrigley Field in Chicago 

I'm sure there are more and hopefully I can fulfill a few of these this year.